It was about five and a half years ago. I sat on the couch looking at my wife. I had something to tell her. I felt as if there was a war going on inside of me. I would almost vocalize when every involuntary protective measure retaliated, full-force, to stop me. It was awful.
For the first year of our marriage, I took great pride in my ability to wake up early, before she did, to study my Bible. Day after day, I read and read and read. But there was a wall. My prayers were seemingly hindered. I had something to tell my wife. It was like the Lord was telling me to leave worship to make things right. I resolved that day that I would. Again, it was awful.So, we were sitting there, after dinner if I remember correctly. Inside, however, I felt as if I was standing on the edge of a great confessional cliff. There is fire down there you know. One more step and I was sure to take an eternal plunge. My death by exposure was inevitable. At first, I could only cough. But it was enough to get her attention. She asked me if I had something to say.
This was the most dreadful moment of my life. My affair with pornography, though secretly kept from her eyes, was producing noticeable fruit in our marriage – strife, frustration, condemnation, lack of sexual desire, and a host of other things. Dragging this sin out of its dark closet was more strenuous than I could have ever imagined. But His grace was sufficient for me. I told her just how awful I was.
For the next hour, she wept. Her voice was filled with righteous anger, hurt and sorrow. I had never seen another person hurt so much because of my sin. I had stepped off of the cliff. I was falling to the bottom. But I didn’t care. My apparent death paled in comparison to the dying that I was watching right in front of me. She felt awful.
And then it happened. She came and sat close to me. As she looked at me, my falling went into slow motion. And when she embraced me with tearful forgiveness, I felt safely broken. Because she wept, I could tell that she loved me. And because she forgave, it was obvious that she loved Another. That was the first time I physically felt justification by faith. It was amazing. I will never be the same.
My deepest sin was keeping me from understanding the deepest love. At that moment I finally understood what it felt like to be fully accepted. Christ, through my wife, showed me His redeeming love.
I write this because it is my testimony. That night I saw the militant love of Christ, in my wife, murder my sin. That night pornography lost its life line, and my love for it has been withering ever since. Katie has been the single most important instrument in this war. She continues to provide an environment where confession is safe and where the gospel is center. She doesn’t treat my sin as if it doesn’t matter. And she doesn’t give me what I justly deserve. Rather, she helps me by bearing with me. She helps me take my sins to Jesus – to the Cross.
As pornography continues to ravage our world, it is imperative for wives (and women) to understand they can make a difference. I am living proof that women do not have to be objectively distorted by men; but that they can be redemptively deliberate in setting men free.
Thank you my love. Because of Christ, in you, I am a new man.
