I did not believe I could be lovable because of pornography and abuse
Pornography was always something insidious in my family, done behind closed doors, hidden and shameful which all added into the insidious part of the child abuse that went with it.
Three years later the pornography became far worse as I was ‘introduced’ to ‘friends.’ It was terrible and sustained until puberty when it stopped, or so I thought. My father fell back into pornography online and my abuse started again for a year until I left home at 15.
Pornography was a catalyst to my abuse.
My father has repented and paid a very high price for his terrible actions, but I carried open poisonous wounds for decades because of it.
My self-confidence and self-image were badly damaged. I ended up with eating disorders and self-harm. I used pain to tell myself I was still alive, I used men and women coldly as I felt like one of those horrid images….flat and inhuman, to be used as a disposal bin for men.
Love was anathema to me. I did not believe I could be lovable being so filthy, so I tried to take love where I did not believe it could be given, as porn so often suggests is the case. My father admitted to getting into pornography as a young lad from
his own father who was secretive and overtly sexualized with misogynistic attitudes.
Without porn I wonder what these men would have been? Could they have been the benevolent protective fathers they should have been without that early sexualization and distorted imagery that damaged at least 3 generations?
Porn destroys people.