March 3, 2014

I don’t want this addiction – Ben

Since the time I got involved in porn, as an addict, it has twisted my expectations in ways that I am ashamed to say. One of the first things that happened was that, when I was a teenager, I molested one of my nieces. I thought it was okay that I do that, but I didn’t see what else was going on. I honestly believed that she would be unaffected and that I could be unaffected, but other behaviors where to follow.

I think one of the first things I realized, after I managed to give it up for a few years, was that I was making the girls that I met into a sexual object without them even knowing it. I started to treat girls in fashions that they found to be creepy and was banished from two businesses because I had felt that the girls that I was attracted to in both of them would like me if I kept coming around. I was treating them worse as I kept getting in deeper, treating them more like I had seen men pick up girls in every flick. My own self got swallowed up inside.

I was able to shake the addiction again for a while and, during that time, got married to a wonderful woman. It wasn’t too long before the addiction came nipping at my heels again and, still, although it’s not at a consistent interval at all, I find myself unable to be intimate with my wife in the way I want. I want to make it so that she’s the only one I think anything sexual about, and I cannot figure out what more I can do to get this thing shaken forever. I don’t want this addiction, I hate it.

– Ben

Further Reading