January 25, 2012

“I mourn our losses”

Since writing this I have divorced my husband and reported him to the police.  This is not the story details…but an exercise I did at Recovery Nation.  We had to “mourn our losses” after discovering our partner was a porn/sex addict.  This is what I wrote.  Like I said, it’s not details about the addiction, but about it’s impact on me…the partner of a porn/sex addict.

I mourn the loss of a friendship and love that wasn’t what I thought it was. I mourn the intimate moments we never shared…the moments where I was real and authentic, and my husband wasn’t. While our relationship hadn’t been great in years, I will miss the ignorant bliss I experienced before the discovery of his porn addiction. I lost a part of myself when that discovery came out, and I gave up a part of myself when I made the decision to take him back. I mourn the loss of the values that I sacrificed and the idealism I lost.

The life I pictured building with my husband is dead. The foundation of friendship, partnership and values I had believed we shared is dead and in fact may never have been there to begin with. I feel cheated out of that experience.

I mourn for the trust I once had for my husband. The secrets he has kept from me from the beginning of our relationship has shown me that honesty was never a part of our foundation. After asking questions, some more information came out and while it may not have to do with his addiction, it does have to do with his character and his ability to be open and honest with me…despite his fears. My trust in him and his character is severely damaged.

I mourn the old me…the one who never experienced heart-break; the one who never knew what sex addiction or porn addiction was.

The 2 worst things my husband could do to me, and he did them. He sexualized little girls and used their images to sexually gratify himself; and he sexually / physically betrayed me. There is nothing in this world that could have caused me more pain. These things my husband did have cut me to the quick. To the core of who I am. I mourn the loss of a man who would never do that to me.

I mourn the loss of the children I will never have. The house filled with children’s laughter and growing old with children and grandchildren. I have lost the confidence that I know how to raise a child. The life I have lived the past 6 years has been unhealthy, abusive, sad and lonely. Not a home into which you should bring a child. With the discovery of the sex addiction I fear I would create a complex in my child regarding sex and healthy sexuality. Because I fear my husband will not commit to recovery, and because I don’t know if I can ever forgive him. Being a single mother…that is not the life I ever wanted for myself or my child. I wanted a family; but because of my husbands’ actions and addiction I don’t trust I wouldn’t end up as a single mother

I mourn the freedom I once had. Knowing how the sexualized and objectified mind works I feel dirty. Men picturing women on the streets naked and using that for masturbation material later…sometimes it feels like more than I can handle. I feel like I am being victimized all the time…being watched and judged and degraded and perverted. As a sexual abuse survivor this has been my fear throughout my entire life…only being regarded as a sex object, and now it feels true. And that knowledge can’t be undone. Though sometimes I feel it will be my undoing.

I mourn the loss of my optimism, my belief in people and their honesty and goodness. I had many trust issues before my husband, and because of him I learned to trust again…and now his betrayals have shattered that trust. Any beliefs I had about love, honour, commitment, loyalty have been forever altered, because I haven’t actually experienced any of them.

*** I have lost my faith. Despite everything wrong with our relationship, despite the anger and resentment, despite the fights and threats, despite his porn addiction discovery 2 ½ years ago…despite it all…the one thing I always believed and held true in my heart and soul, was that M would be faithful to me. I believed in his loyalty and fidelity with every fibre of my being, and to have lost that…to have believed I had it when I didn’t….is the kind of pain that destroys your faith. I mourn this faith I had, because I don’t believe I will experience it again. ***

I mourn the lost years we could have spent together…being happy and having experiences and making memories. The time wasted on this addiction is painful and could have been spent living life. I mourn the time and the experiences we never shared.

I mourn the real intimacy we could have been experiencing together for the past 6 and a half years. There were moments we shared that I felt were passionate and intimate, moments that brought tears to my eyes…and I wonder now how my husband experienced those moments, did they ever mean as much to him as they did to me?

I mourn for the wedding I will never experience. The words we shared and the vows we made were important to me, they were intimate and beautiful and from the depths of my soul. But I said them to a man I didn’t wholly know. I said them to a man who had already lied to me, and cheated on me, and kept secrets from me. I have lost the experience of hearing those vows from someone who meant them, from someone who shared their heart and soul with me. I mourn the meaning and value from my wedding and wedding rings.

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