I was, up until today, in a relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry.
The first year was absolutely wonderful, the next 2 were pretty good, but started to see some “little things” that made me question things in regards to other women.
2 years ago, I found out that he was addicted to porn and masturbation. We talked, we both cried, and he admitted to having a problem with it and that his previous marriage of 10 years ended because of the addiction as well. He said that he needed help and I decided that I would stand by him and be as supportive as I could. I do love him and other than the addiction we get along amazingly well. He is my best friend, so I am losing both my lover and my best friend because of this addiction that runs his life.
He has been “attempting” recovery for the past 2 years, but it has been a horrible roller coaster of slips and relapses with promises of getting better and doing “whatever it takes” to get there.
All of the lies and deceit has finally taken its toll and I can no longer stay as it has thrown me into a horrible pit of despair and depression. My self esteem has taken such a hit with this as I feel as though I am in competition with every woman on the face of the planet.
It breaks my heart to realize that the life that we have lived together has been a lie. The man I fell in love with doesn’t exist because he has been living a dual life–one that he portrays outwardly and the darker porn addicted soul that he hides. It is horrible to know that all of the memories I have with him are tainted by this and that I trusted the man that I thought I was going to live the rest of my life with only to find out that it was all a lie.
It is heart wrenching to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable with someone, only to find out that they aren’t who you thought they were. It is almost like being raped…but it is a drawn out process that slowly tears you down. It wasn’t a 1 time event…it happened over and over and over…every lie…every time he made me feel bad because my gut would tell me that something was wrong–he just couldn’t believe that I didn’t trust him? I was always in the wrong and it was my fault that we were arguing. Classic case of deflecting to get the attention off of him.
He took a part of me that I will never get back. I have tried for 2 years hoping that he would want it bad enough to put in the effort and heartache and pain to look inside himself and overcome the addiction. Unfortunately, he’s not there yet and may never get there.
All I know right now is that I have to move on with my life and get my life back together. I want to feel joy. I want to be able to watch tv, listen to the radio, go out to eat, or just go anywhere in public without feeling like I am slapped in the face with all of the pornographic images that are everywhere. They are a horrible reminder of what the last 5 years have been like. It is a reminder of what he did to me and a reminder of the things that I know he looked at because it made him feel good.
Deep down, I think he is a good man, but if he doesn’t get this under control, I am terrified where it could take him.
