My personal story of addiction starting at 15 years old

I was 15 years old when I learned what sex was. I saw a student in class masturbating and I was thinking, “What in the world was this person doing and why is no one else saying anything?”

When I had my first experience of masturbating I remember I had such shame I didn’t know what I did or if it was wrong I didn’t know that it was wrong and I just remember this all encompassing shame like I had betrayed God. I remember wanting to cry. I had never felt that way. It was as if my innocence was taken from me.

After that moment I became a slave to masturbating and porn. I could not stop. I watched porn 2 to 4 times a day for 16 years. I remember always feeling afterwards that I hated myself for doing this and wanted to stop and always telling myself this was the last time. But the feelings were too strong I could never overcome it. I was truly a slave. I hated the way it made me feel about women.

I remember before that experience of my first experience of masturbation I was never that shy around girls and was pretty social around them. But after learning what sex was I could never even talk to a girl anymore because I feared what would happen sexually. I hide and avoid girls and became a outcast. When all my friends were getting at that age when they were interested in girls I became the old man out because I couldn’t put a sentence together and feared even looking into a girls eyes. When I would see a pretty girl I would look at her as a object, a sexual object and I hated it. It made me selfish and a kind of guy that I despised. I tried my best to avoid them and not look at them but the urges were to great so I would go back to pornography.

So began my isolation from society because my friends wernt interested in hanging out with me because I wasn’t good around girls and at that age its all about how many girls you know. So began staying by self. This caused me to get really sick mentally. I was diagnosed with severe depression and paranoia. I can attest that was because I stopped socializing and became antisocial and replaced socializing with negative news stories and gravitated to pain almost as if I was addicted to pain. And the root cause that got me into being antisocial was porn.

Something special happened to me in October of 2010 I took communion at Catholic church. I was not Catholic and didn’t know I was not suppose to take Communion although I am Orthodox Christian. From that point on I went 9 months without looking at porn or masturbating. Previously I couldn’t go a day without masturbating or looking at porn. I had a relapse because my addiction came back. Though I didn’t look at porn I did look at R rated movies which were just as bad.

Then I went on Church retreat in October of 2011 and I decided I couldn’t masturbate during my time at the retreat otherwise I would be a hypocrite. So I went a weekend without masturbating then I decided I will go another week, then another week.

I can now say I haven’t looked at porn or dirty movies or masturbated since October of 2011. Now I don’t look at women as object but I see them as a creation of God. I don’t have thoughts of trying to sleep with them or taking advantage of them. I am more social with girls and others. And my depression and paranoia are pretty much gone and under control. I have no one to thank other than God. Previously I was under the impression that masturbation/pornography was necessary because guys would just go crazy because they have that need and they have release it someway. But now that I see with God you can be cured of this addiction and slavery I have come to the opinion that to prevent the snake from biting you must stay away from the snake and let God destroy it.

I hope other who believe there is no way they can quite pornography please use my story as an example of someone who got healed from porn addiction. I know it is a constant battle and I can never return back or my addiction will return.

-D

The Numbers

300+

NCOSE leads the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation with over 300 member organizations.

100+

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation has had over 100 policy victories since 2010. Each victory promotes human dignity above exploitation.

93

NCOSE’s activism campaigns and victories have made headlines around the globe. Averaging 93 mentions per week by media outlets and shows such as Today, CNN, The New York Times, BBC News, USA Today, Fox News and more.

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