By Anonymous
I first met my boyfriend a few years ago and it was amazing, things couldn’t be better. I couldn’t get enough of him; he was kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, passionate, supportive and fantastic with my children. After 8 months we decided to move in together.
After 2 months, I first discovered my boyfriend had been watching porn on the laptop. I was gutted and upset and couldn’t understand why he had been watching it as we had a really good sex life as I have a really high sex drive myself.
I kept a close eye on the laptop history and found that every morning when he got up for work, while I was still in bed, he would watch it. It drove me crazy as it was getting worse and he was even sneaking about and watching it while I was having a soak in the bath. It got to where I was paranoid while in the bath and would be as quick as I could to hurry up and get out just so he couldn’t watch it.
I couldn’t get it out of my head and in the end I confronted him about it. I told him how upset it made me feel. He told me he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong and that it was no big deal, but he wouldn’t watch it anymore if it upset me. I decided to try to put it behind me and trust him.
Everything was OK for a while, but one morning, when I got up, I noticed the laptop had moved. I went on it straight away but all the history had been deleted and the volume had been put on mute. I put the volume back to high and put it away. Every morning, I noticed he had been on the laptop and he was not only sneaking, but also deleting the history. I could tell he was up to no good with it being turned to mute all the time. I was devastated that he was still doing this after promising that he wouldn’t do it again.
Things got worse when he bought a new phone with Internet access. This made me a nervous wreck. I started noticing that he was watching porn on the phone because he would look uncomfortable when I walk in the room and press the back up button so I couldn’t see what he had been doing.
I couldn’t get all this out of my head and started imagining the worst. I checked the porn sites he had been watching and there was ads popping up all the time for local women wanting sex or to swap pictures. I got it in my head that he could be having an affair.
One day he forgot to take his phone to work, so I decided to check it and, to no surprise, I found that he had been watching porn and also on a site looking at pics of women. I also found a few naked pictures of a woman, but her face wasn’t shown and there was a close up her and my boyfriend having sex. He had kept these pictures hidden in a locked safe app on his phone.
I was hysterical, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was shaking and felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t know if he was having an affair.
It drove me to lengths that I’m ashamed to admit, but one morning I got up early and set up the video recorder on my phone and hid it in the kitchen and went back to bed. I was devastated at what I found. My boyfriend had got up, put the kettle on, and got the laptop out straight away. I could see him sneaking about and trying his best to be quiet so as not to wake me. He started watching porn and masturbating. I was in total disgust.
How could he do this to me after he knew how much it hurt me? How can you treat someone like that who you are meant to love? I just couldn’t work it out. He made me feel worthless and so unattractive.
I confronted him with all this when he got home. I asked him if he had watched porn and had a wank. He lied to me and said no. I asked him 3 or 4 times to tell me the truth and every time he looked me in the eyes and said no. I couldn’t believe he could lie to me that easy.
When I told him I had filmed him and caught him out, he just went mental and started shouting at me. All I did was cry, I couldn’t see us getting past this because lying to me came to easy to him.
I asked him who the girl was on his phone and he said he had forgotten that the pics were there, it was just someone he was with before me. That upset me even worse because I didn’t believe him, I couldn’t believe anything that came out his mouth. My trust in him had been broken and it upset me to think that he was with me, but must still think a lot about his ex and couldn’t bring himself to delete her pictures.
I told him I was disgusted with him masturbating in the kitchen as my children could have caught him. He told me I was being stupid and acting like he was having an affair when all he was doing was watching a bit of porn, that all men watch it. I ended up feeling like I was being stupid and overreacting, so I told him if he was going to do it then to keep it in the bedroom.
I couldn’t understand why he would choose to watch other women when he had me in his bed. I felt disgusting; like I repulsed him and that he needed other women to turn him on because I didn’t do it for him anymore. I tried to move on and put a smile on my face everyday, but really I was dying inside from just how much he had broke my heart and my trust.
I have always thought that trust is the main thing in a relationship and if you haven’t got trust then there is no point.
We still had sex every day, but I started to feel like he was thinking of other women while making love to me and I just couldn’t orgasm or wasn’t enjoying sex anymore.
Then things went from bad to worse: work moved me off days and put me on nights working 8pm till 8am. I was sick with worry about my boyfriend being able to watch porn all night, but just tried to get on the best I could. On my nights off, I couldn’t wait to get in bed to kiss and cuddle and have sex—even though I felt I wasn’t attractive to him.
My boyfriend always came-on to me and this particular night he didn’t. Then a few days passed and still no sex. When I went back from work, he was back to watching porn and masturbating.
I was too scared to come-on to him as I felt he didn’t want to even touch me and we were only having sex once a week. There was a blank look on his face while we were having sex and he kept looking up at the wall. I knew he was trying to imagine other women.
I noticed there was a distance with him. I was the one going to him all the time for kisses and cuddles, so I told him I felt unloved, like I was getting no attention. He said nothing was up with him and that he was sorry and that he would make more of an effort.
Things improved for a week, but then he went back to showing me no affection. I went back to working days and felt a bit better knowing that I was going to be home every night. But things didn’t improve.
Over the last 3 months, we have had sex once. He never comes-on to me anymore and I’ve told him how this has made me feel unloved, yet still things don’t change.
Two weeks ago, I covered some weekend shifts on nights and every night he masturbated. I couldn’t believe that we don’t have sex anymore, yet he can still do that.
I’m devastated because he still has a sex drive, he just has no desire to have sex with me. He chooses and needs other women to turn him on.
Things can’t get any worse. As soon as my back is turned, he’s watching other women.
I’m at my all time low. I’m repulsed by him and I can’t even kiss or cuddle him. I can’t even get undressed in front of him because I feel he is repulsed by seeing me naked.
We are at the point where we have no physical contact. We sleep at separate sides of the bed and just go to sleep. He really doesn’t seem bothered by this. We don’t talk that much anymore. He has little interest in what I’ve got to say and has got his head in his phone most of the time. He can’t be bothered to listen when I’m asking a question, asking me what I’ve said about 3 times because he’s too busy reading stuff online.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in bits and I love him too much to just walk away because I’m holding on to what we used to have and hoping he will change. But I’m so miserable that I just don’t know what to do anymore.
My friends said they have never seen me so unhappy. I feel like I need to give one last attempt at getting back what we had before I walk away. I really don’t know how long I can cope with all this.
