This was originally posted on www.ThePinkCross.org. We have Jan Meza’s permission to post here as well.
I lay there covered in liquids, saliva and sweat from twenty five different men. Disgusted, sore, defiled and void of all emotions, a part of me died that day; my soul was shredded and separated among the twenty five men who I just sold my body for.
My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperate need to feed my three children. I was a destitute single mother who would have done anything for my children.
My first porn scene was filmed in Las Vegas in 2006 for Clint and his porn company Sensational Video. It was shot in an apartment. There was no fancy set, no personal changing area, no security, just a rundown, run of the mill hole in the wall. I was told it was a “test” shoot and that I was lucky to get paid for it, but that if I went through with it, I would gain fame and fortune. So begrudgingly, I did the scene.
In an hour the abuse was over and I was paid $300. As I was ushered out the door and promised more work, the next victim walked in. As I drove home with a knotted stomach, my only thought was that I had just sold my soul for $300 dollars. I vowed never to do it again and was sure I would never make another movie, but I was wrong.
Eight months later, it was the same situation. I was in need of money even though I was working full time. The demands of being a single mother with no help from my ex husband was too much to handle. A couple of men I knew had seen my first movie and encouraged me to make more. I relived the trauma over in mind and wanted to cry, but I believed desperate times called for desperate measures. I wanted the fast money in hopes to cure my stress about finances; little did I realize my stress had only begun.
I posted a profile on sexyjobs.com and not even five minutes later I received what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur and instant wealth. I got some weird calls too, men asking me if I would beat them up or sleep with underage boys on camera; I immediately hung up on them.
Having received no formal education about the porn industry, I accepted a “gig” from a producer in Compton, California who ran Tiger Media Group. I had never been to Compton and didn’t know what to expect, but I needed the money.
When I got to the hotel I was informed that the producer, who looked shabbier than the room, was also the male performer or “talent” and I was to pleasure not only him, but the female companion he brought with him. I was taken back; I was told it was going to be a boy/girl scene not a boy/girl and then girl/girl scene. It was double the expected scene for the price of one, but what was I going to do? They knew I was a single Mom and needed the money so they took advantage of me.
Before the scene started the producer told me I needed to show him my ID and sign a model release with legal terms I didn’t understand. Since I was new and uneducated about the ways of porn, I naively thought it was for his tax purposes. When I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AID’s test in my face and said we would not be using a condom. He never asked me for an STD test or said that one was required of me.
When the abuse was over, I was sore, tired and disgusted with the others and with myself. The producer paid me half of what he promised to pay me and said the check for the rest would be in the mail. I trusted him because he sounded professional. The check never came.
Within days I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for a previous back injury. I started popping pills, especially when it came time to do a porn movie. The porn industry offered me drugs, too. I was offered marijuana and alcohol from porn producers and other porn stars and I gladly accepted the drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over-sized penis or from being told to hold poses for still camera shots while being penetrated and choked. Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it or else no pay! I was called names like bitch, whore, slut and because I was in the BBW (big beautiful women) niche, my weight was consistently used as a form of exploitation and insult. I was actually told not to lose weight or that I would never make it in the biz.
I was also forced into prostitution. Producers lied and sent me to do “privates” for high paying clients that my agent got a nice percentage of. I wasn’t in control of my life anymore and I completely lost my identity as Jan and turned into the demonized character Elizabeth Rollings, the porn star.
I sold my soul to the devil without even knowing it. Ironically, I later performed a brutal gangbang for Devil’s Films.
About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site. A husband and wife team by the name of Ditto and Dutch who owned their own pay sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their top model. I was promised if I worked tirelessly on my web site that I would gain financial freedom which appealed to me as I did not want to do hardcore scenes anymore. The guy made a contract and tried to convince me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read it over, Dutch guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called “friendship” and besides; he promised me he would never keep the site up if we parted ways.
Of course, I fell for it. What drugged up, alcoholic, and traumatized woman wouldn’t?
It wasn’t long before Dutch started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work we did together and telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me. He often did this right after a scene, filling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife Ditto was downstairs. He threatened me time after time and said he would financially break me if I didn’t obey. He wasn’t the only producer to force me to do off camera sex acts. Prostitution was a form of manipulation producers use to get off and get more scenes out of the women. But I trusted Dutch. I thought he cared about me. I never thought he would have done this to me.
One particular producer Gabor, owner of Heatwave Video, really loved to use on-the-side sex as a tool for manipulation, telling me how much he loved me and that I was his number one model and that having sex with him was a sure way to have continued work. Gabor even sponsored a booth for me at LA Erotica in 2007, where I was billed as the first BBW to ever have a booth. He was happy to do it as long as I “gave it up” whenever he demanded. He was nothing more than a glorified pimp. I was assured that having a booth would help me gain more exposure and of course more money. I was nothing more than a puppet on a string.
As time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew, my web designer Dutch fed off of it like a plague. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Every day was a good day to drink heavily and ultimately I lost my normal job. I hated myself for being a horrible mother and just like in the beginning of my journey into porn; I was desperate only this time for a way out.
The abuse and pain were so bad that I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous breakdown. My world was a blur and I just wanted to end it all. But when I told my web designer that I couldn’t do it anymore, all hell broke loose. His threats worsened and of course he refused to take the web site down. In fact, it is still up and I have NOT received any money from it since mid 2007. I’ve reminded Dutch many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughs in my face and tells me that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom but I on the under hand am broke.
Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help. After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and Googled “porn help” and there she was my own personal guardian angel on earth, Shelley Lubben. I immediately contacted Shelley and told her my story and it didn’t take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, numerous gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to help aide me in my recovery. Not only was Shelley Lubben concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus.
As I became close with God again, He began to heal me and one of the ways He did that was using my painful experience to help others. Not long after that day I searched online for help, I was suddenly involved in helping other women who were hurting just like me! Shelley asked me to join her in her outreach to women in porn and in 2008; I went back to the porn industry only this time I was on a powerful mission from God: I was out of the industry and into the ministry!
That year at the AVN Las Vegas porn convention, I found true purpose for my life. I knew what I was called to do: to help champion the cause against porn and rescue other women and men trapped in porn.
But the devil was fuming mad with me and wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.
In April of 2008, I felt very ill and reluctantly went to the E.R. Frightened at what it could possibly be; I was diagnosed with Chlamydia and herpes, an incurable sexually transmitted disease. My whole world came crashing down. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen! I mean, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this? I always thought I was safe by getting tested on a monthly basis for STD’s through AIM(Adult Industry Medicine), but the so called “doctors” at AIM lied to me.
At that moment I had a choice to make. Would I blame God for my STDs and fall back into a pornographic world of lies or would I accept the fact that these are the consequences for being involved with an illegal and diseased industry.
I made the right choice. I didn’t give up. I cried out to the Lord Jesus Christ and He comforted me and strengthened me to continue to recover and do His great work.
Three years later I’m still volunteering with Shelley through the Pink Cross Foundation. I have witnessed God do supernatural miracles among those suffering in porn. I myself have been miraculously healed from herpes. It’s been three years and I have not had an outbreak. Shelley and the team prayed for me and just like Shelley, I am herpes-free through the power of Jesus Christ!
I have hugged and loved thousands of people in over 20 porn outreaches in three years. I have heard the heartbreaking stories of women just like me and even the men, sometimes drunk or high, come to our booth for help. Porn fans and porn stars, no matter, they all are searching for love and education. They want to know how we are recovering so strong. They want to feel like they matter and have purpose in this life. They want to be champions in life and Pink Cross reaches out and teaches them how to do it.
Working with Shelley and the team has been amazing and I am one of the women who hasn’t given up on her. It has been extremely difficult to face my past over and over again and relive those horrible memories in the middle of a porn convention, but how can I not reach out to my sisters and brothers who are suffering like I was?
I have witnessed a lot in this porn fight. People in porn sometimes think Shelley Lubben is a liar and using them for money. Of course, they believe the lies of crooked pornographers. The girls we reach out to are often addicted to drugs and alcohol and mix that in with the fact they do not trust anyone, you can imagine what Shelley and her family go through on a daily basis trying to reach out to these women.
I have seen Shelley suffer and sacrifice in ways unbelievable to help women and men escape porn. She constantly gives of herself without care to what will happen to her and her family because she truly believes God loves these people and will no longer tolerate the inhumane treatment of beautiful human lives that He created for greatness. Shelley always tells the women and men in porn, “You are made for greater things than porn.”
I’m so grateful to God to be alive and even share my testimony with you. I have performed in over 40 porn films including a gang bang scene with 25 men, over 20 pornographic websites including my own and 3 pornographic magazines. I want you to know the truth, the porn companies DO NOT care about human value, they do not care if the men and women who perform in porn, God’s children, live or die. The porn performers are NOTHING but replaceable objects that keep porn companies wealthy while the majority (at least 95%) of porn performers struggle to make ends meet. Porn is NOT glamorous, this is my story, and this is my truth.
Jan Meza, formerly known as the dead woman “Elizabeth Rollings”
